Contributing to Joy: Why It's Challenging but Necessary

OK, so it's been a REALLY long time since I've posted. Like two months or something? First of all, I want to apologize, I swore I wasn't going to do this again... but let me try and explain myself.

I want my blog to be a place of positive reinforcement - both for myself and others - but over the last couple of months, things have been rough in my world. I don't want to go into great detail about everything but I will just say that my father's state of health has worsened, school has intensified, and work is... well, work is (as always) very time consuming and stressful. Truth be told, I haven't really had a whole lot of positive things to say lately - I was in a serious funk, which I tend to fall into from time to time. My "funks" sometimes last for weeks, maybe months, and they involve me not really want to interact with people and also being super sad all the time. The worst thing about when I get like that is no one can really pull me out of it. I have to be ready to pull myself out. I'm sure this is frustrating for my friends - even though they'll never admit it - because there are few things worse than watching someone you love fall into misery while all you can do is just stand by and watch it happen.

But good news! I am out of my dark period, and feeling better about things. Spring is in the air in DC (finally, after winter flat out REFUSED to get the fuck out for a long while) and I am seeing good things in front of me. A recent dinner with my advisor really helped me out, she gave me some sound advice that really struck a chord in me: "Strive to succeed but don't be afraid to fail and don't live in your fear. People fail sometimes, and it's OK. The world won't end."

And that's the rub because I am always TERRIFIED of failing and of letting everyone down. My family, my friends, my boss, my colleagues, my professors. I put an unbelievable amount of pressure on myself and then I hate myself for not being perfect at everything. It's crazy, and I know it's crazy, but what can I do? I just need to give myself a fucking break already. I know I keep saying that and I'm sure if you go back and look at my other blogs I've probably said this same thing over and over again but it's so hard not to fall into that pattern over and over again.

Anyway, while things definitely have been rough, they haven't been all bad. My dad has started chemotherapy and radiation and the doctors are very optimistic about his chances. He didn't want to go this route, treatment-wise, and fought it for a long time (and in fact is still bitter that he's doing it now) but I think he realizes that he wants to live long enough to watch his kids and his grandkids grow and succeed. He wants to get married and live with his new love for as long as possible. He wants to be a really old man sitting on his rocking chair on the back porch, watching the Pacific ocean waves crash against the sand at dawn. And I'm so relieved! He's fighting to live and thank God for that.

School has become more manageable once I got serious about it - in the sense that I was feeling overly confident in those first couple of months, thinking I could handle it all and keep the same lifestyle I've had over the last few years. And just so you all know, I cannot. For one, classes aren't cheap and I'm not rolling in cash. For two... and this is the big one.... I just don't have the time. I just flat out don't. I can't do a bunch of happy hours. I can't party all weekend. And frankly, I don't have the energy to stay up all night reading because I decided I wanted to have a late night dinner with friends. The amount of reading I have to do for my law class is outrageous and good lord, will I be happy when it's fucking over (which will be very soon) but that's the way it is and I need to accept that. And my excess time will decrease with each passing semester.

Though, at the same time, I cannot isolate myself because when I do that, I become sad and lonely. So it's all about finding a balance and hopefully I'll get better at that.

Also! I am moving from Logan Circle to Columbia Heights. A slightly bigger place (though not as nice, with no hardwood floors and no dishwasher and no W/D in the unit) closer to most of my friends in the city. Closer to my gym. And right down the street from Satellite, 930 Club, Town, and Nellie's. In fact, I timed it yesterday, and it takes me approximately 7 minutes to walk to that awesome corner of U Street. Holla! That could be dangerous for me - my love for gay men, live music, and alcoholic smoothies knows no bounds.

So things are looking up. Fun projects like painting my new apartment (which wow, how are my friends awesome enough to want to help me out with this?) and planning a charity event to raise money for Whitman-Walker's AIDS Walk are helping me to be creative and stable in their own ways.

And now... I have finally posted something on my blog. I'll end it with a quote from the amazing Roger Ebert, who lost his battle with cancer this week but will always always always be an inspiration in my life:

"I believe that if, at the end, according to our abilities, we have done something to make others a little happier, and something to make ourselves a little happier, that is about the best we can do. To make others less happy is a crime. To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts. We must try to contribute joy to the world. That is true no matter what our problems, our health, our circumstances. We must try. I didn't always know this, and am happy I lived long enough to find it out."

Much love, you guys.

-N

How Lena Dunham & Girls Are Hate-Mongering

Usually, I really love HelloGiggles.

<insert Natacia is a hipster joke here>

Honestly, I think it's so nice to have a website that is devoted to happiness and cuteness and positivity. It's so refreshing. I also think there's something to be said for a group that says, hey you can wear flowery dresses and get fancy manicures and eat piles of candy and still be a "feminist" and a strong woman. I hate when women judge each other on how they SHOULD be acting in order to be independent and progressive - and goddammit, if I want to wear a dress with a peter pan collar with baretts in my fucking hair, so be it. Don't tell me that if I do that, I'm not being woman enough. I can do whatever I want.

That being said, the below HG article really enraged me:

http://hellogiggles.com/lets-leave-lena-dunhams-looks-alone-now-please

 It's not just because I don't care for Lena Dunham. The point that they're making here is that Hanna (the character that Lena plays in the bullshit that is HBO’s Girls) may not be traditionally pretty but using that as a reason to hate her is completely ignorant. Sure, OK, I'll totally buy that and had this article just left it at that, I would have just let it go. But the fact this chick has the nerve to say the ONLY criticism that the media (or anyone) has against Dunham is her looks - that's what really gets my goat. Lena Dunham could look like fucking Mila Kunis and I'd still think she’s awful. She comes off as a “voice of a generation” - MY generation, to my absolute horror - and her show is just a parade of overly privileged, obnoxiously affluent, hateful, selfish, self-important, pseudo-intellectual, mean-spirited, distasteful, culturally-dead city brats who like to constantly play victim when they’re cushy lives get even slightly disturbed. Oh, and they also lack any diversity, despite the fact that they live in FUCKING NEW YORK CITY. I cannot express to you how tired I am of hearing people rave about Lena Dunham and her show but what I hate more is the people who have the audacity to act like this horrible, disgusting show is an accurate representation of how “real” women are in this day and age. In the beginning of the first season alone, there was a “hilarious” scene in which some asshole fuck buddy has sex with Hanna in what is essentially a fantasy that she is an 11 year old he snatched off the street and is now raping. Another scene features a blasé attitude in regards to the matter of abortion – and no matter what your stance is on the subject, I feel like it’s a topic that at least deserves some fucking respect when addressing it. Oh, and the priceless scene where Hanna’s parents tell her she is going to be cut off financially and she plays the victim and disrespects her parents so thoroughly that I’m STILL shocked she didn’t get slapped.

I honestly don’t understand the appeal of watching a show so hateful. It’s worse than reality TV somehow. It’s like the producers of that show – ahem, I’m looking at you, Apatow – combined the public’s love of reality TV, hipster culture, and twee intellectualism into one ugly mess. It’s horribly exploitative without any real commentary. It’s shitty comic timing. It’s hip quirkiness that is totally all about how hip it’s being. Yeah, the characters are all completely unlikeable but that’s not new. Seinfeld is, I think, one of the best sitcoms to come out of TV’s history…. and let’s be honest, none of those four people where “likable.” However, that show succeeded because while the characters were kind of selfish jerks and they never really learned from their problems, the show itself wasn't angry – and the unlikability of the characters is acceptable because (for me, anyway) it doesn't revolve around self-entitlement and just all around shameless trust fund-grubbing. I think the worst part for me is how these girls use their money – wealth, by the way, that they are not earning in any way, shape, or form – to support their dreary, self-involved lives but have no interest in using this wealth to actually IMPROVE their own lives or (GASP!) give back to anything or anyone. It’s reprehensible.

So, in conclusion, Marissa Ross – rest assured. Lena Dunham’s looks are the least vile thing about her. In fact, I happen to think she’s a fairly attractive looking person. It’s her view of the world that is ugly. 

Forgiveness & Personal Growth

Recently I experienced the official end of a friendship and it was a somewhat surreal experience - mostly because of the things that this person told me, airing out hateful grievances that quite honestly came out of nowhere. However, that's not really what this post is about. It stinks when a break from someone is messy but such is life. What really stuck in my mind was discussing with a group of friends my inability to let people go even when they have done something reprehensible and one of my friends telling me that people are often better than the worst thing they've ever done. It's a phrase I've heard before but somehow I haven't been able to get it out of my head since she said it.

I've started wondering what my line is, if any. It's an odd thing because I can be a highly critical person - sometimes as a joke and sometimes for real - but I have the fundamental belief that all people have the capacity to be more than what we see and more than even they think they are. I can forgive a person for just about anything because we're all fallible and I want to believe that if I did something "unforgivable," that there would be someone there who might still believe in me anyway.

I suppose where things get sticky is when it's quite obvious that a person has no interest in changing or growing or honest self-reflection. I think at a certain point, the groundwork of a person is what it is - such as their values - but I also think that a person should be learning more about himself every single day. We never finish growing and that's the beauty of life! Also? I have a level of respect for someone who accepts that they don't have all the answers and is constantly looking for more of them.

Essentially I think just about everyone is worth the effort. Even the people I walk away from... I honestly hope they have a person who sticks around and tries to help them be better versions of themselves. It's just the emotional and psychological toll that some relationships take in my life that I can't handle and sometimes we have to be a little selfish and think about our own self-preservation.

In truth, I'm lucky to be surrounded by such a rich and diverse group of friends. I feel like not everyone has this luxury. I know when things get hard, I'll have people to lean on... I just like thinking that I can provide that level of comfort and peace to others as well.

In the end, I don't think people are built to be alone and I feel like they should have freedom to make mistakes without ending up alone. Measuring our own capacity for forgiveness, tolerance, and acceptance is what makes us exceptional beings.






....Too uplifting for a rainy Monday morning?

Confessions of a non-traditional Catholic: Deal With It!

So today I had someone say to me, "You celebrate Lent? You don't seem religious." And I started to contemplate what that meant and why it bothered me so much. I thought about what being religious actually means to me and how it impacts my everyday life. I never really responded to the person's comment, I kind of laughed and felt awkward about it, which is very strange for me because I'm a pretty opinionated person and almost never shy from getting on my soapbox. So why was I clamming up all the sudden? I have a theory.

The problem with being religious in this day and age, particularly being Catholic is there are so many negative associations. I feel like if I tell a person that I’m Catholic, there’s an instant backlash. People think they know exactly who I am when I talk about religion: they think I’m a bible thumper, they think I don’t believe in logic or science, they think I’m ultra conservative. A lot of times, people throw at me all the horrible things that the Catholic Church is responsible for, as if I personally committed these atrocities. I honestly don’t think I’m exaggerating in the least when I say that I imagine this is how Germans must feel when people bring up the Holocaust. I mean, I’ve actually had people yell at me about the Inquisitions. (Also, I’m not going to sit here and act like I’m blind to the type of evil people are capable of – or the evil people will commit in the name of God or whatever else they believe in. But the Inquisitions ended over 200 years ago. Surely there are at least more recent things to be outraged about?) And hey, what can I say? Christianity has a dark past and people today still use it for purposes of oppression and violence. I would say, however, that every group has a dark side and people who are willing to twist it in order to gain power... but I can recognize that while this is very true, the Catholic Church in particular has been very successful with that and has the bloody hands and body count to prove it.

Now, that being said, I would like to fully explain my relationship with God and just put it out there. Do I think there is an old bearded man in the clouds, passing judgement on all of us from his sky kingdom? I can't say that I do. Do I think if I follow a strict set of guidelines, I get to go to heaven and all those suckers out there who are having lots of pre-marital sex (or non-marital, for those with no interest in that institution) and stealing and cheating on their spouses are heading to a fiery pit for eternity? Nope. I think that's all too easy and life is far more complex than that. So in that sense, I am a terrible Catholic.

However, I think that the universe has a balance to it. While I don't believe in the traditional physical concept of God, I do think that there is a spiritual force that watches over us - not judges, watches. I believe that force created everything around us. I believe that when we die, all of our spirits are finally at peace and maybe they go... somewhere? I can't stand the oppressive idea of some people going to this glorious kingdom and some people burning for eternity. It sounds so hateful. I like to believe all the hate in a person's soul dissolves at the point of death and there's a clarity that the living cannot achieve. This, I admit, is mostly wishful thinking but honestly, what is wrong with that?

This world can be so cold and unforgiving sometimes and we all need our own way to cope. I find comfort in believing that something greater is out there, that this force - that God - put us here for a purpose. I don't think that purpose is mapped out for us at birth or that our lives are predetermined but I do believe there is a reason - maybe even many reasons - for everyone to be here. Also, as cheesy as this sounds, whenever I see, let's say, a sunrise against the Pacific Ocean... well it's difficult for me to believe this is all just some happy accident. Perhaps there is some ego involved in that but I cannot chalk up an entire planet of life and beauty to just a bunch of random molecules just deciding to get together.

Now understand that I'm not saying that I don't believe in science. I've just never really understood why people feel like those two things have no place in the same world. I am a reasonable, logic-based human being. But I also have a spiritual side that craves a deeper relationship with the world.

In addition to all of this, I love the community and warmth involved in attending church. I do believe there is some wisdom to be found in the Bible, even if you have to dig through a lot of judging and wrath to find it. I even enjoy the rituals involved, for the most part - but I think that comes from my strong desire for structure and plans.... though maybe my need for structure actually originates from my connection with Christian rituals? Who knows?

All I do know for sure is that my faith really makes me feel at peace when life throws obstacles my way. Would I ever push that on another person? Never. I don't even like it when I see other people doing that. I also don't find it healthy to use faith as a crutch or your only source of comfort. But there is no denying that it makes my life richer and makes me accept tragedies better when they come around.

I am still pro choice. I still don't care for Christian rock bands. I still drop F bombs like it's my job. I still have the urge to punch assholes in the face. And yes - I have sex without marriage! GASP!!! So maybe I'm not the most stereotypical Christian out there, but hey some people might argue that's not so bad.

Weekend of Mental Health

There's something to be said for the power of positive thinking but what happens if that doesn't quite work? Lately I've been on this optimistic kick (which I'm sure my readers may have noticed by now) but some days it's really hard to pull my head out of the dark clouds. I went to bed in a grumpy mood on Friday and whenever I go to bed feeling shitty, I wake up the next day feeling the same way.

So I got up on Saturday. Then realized how much stuff I had to do. Then felt the stress headache creeping in. And then I realized that I was doing all of this to myself. The old Natacia would have wallowed and questioned why the universe can be such an asshole.

But that was the old Natacia and I refuse to let that negative lady control my emotions anymore. So I took a step back, I canceled all of my social engagements, I got a lot of work done and I took a mental health weekend. I took care of myself because in the Year of Natacia, I am going to put myself first more and stop obsessing about how my every move effects the people around me.

I did a lot of reading, including the entire Sunday Post. I made a big pot of chili, which turned out GREAT (and I will post once I recall everything I put in it). I caught up on my favorite sitcoms. I started outlining my trip to South America next winter to visit a dear friend who has been placed there for the Peace Corp. I had two fabulous phone dates; one with my mom and one with my beautiful and wise friend, Crystal.

Sorry for the laundry list. Not sure if this post is really saying anything. I guess the point is I'm progressing! Which is lovely and gives me hope that this whole self-improvement thing isn't just a passing phase.

Yesterday my mom told me, "Sometimes you have to say 'fuck it and smile" - and by the way, that is the first time my mom has ever dropped the F bomb on me NOT in anger so that was pretty cool - "because life is too big and too short to be mad about things you won't even remember in 20 years."

So on my dry erase board in my kitchen, I wrote "fuck it and smile" as a reminder. It's a good advice. New mantra, anyone?

What do the rest of you folks do to pull yourself out of a funk? I'd love to hear!

Love,
N

Analysis of the American Dream

I know it’s an age old debate – the American Dream and what it means. People have been debating over it for at least the last 80 years. It’s actually something that’s troubled me since the first time I heard the term used, approximately 14 years ago in my sophomore year AP English class during a heated discussion about the Great Gatsby. The book is a favorite of mine and features several characters, all with a very different and distinct idea of what the American Dream means to them and what it says about our own lives. I have to say, however, that after years of thinking about it and reading various text on the subject and, you know, living my life… I think that the American Dream is just a big festering trap. But let me elaborate.

First of all, I want to say that I come from the perspective of a person who does in fact love her country. Interestingly enough, I tend to have two types of people in my life: the highly patriotic types and the ones who are highly critical of how this country’s system works (or doesn’t, really). I hate copping out and saying I’m “middle of the road” but honestly I feel like I am. I love America for what it could be, for its potential, for being my home, for giving me the rights that so many of us take for granted. However, I recognize that parts of our system are broken, that our priorities are messed up, that our capitalistic way of life diminishes the chances for those who are struggling and builds up those who are already abundantly wealthy, that the American Ego has gotten completely out of hand – particularly in regards to our relations to outside parties and our imperialistic attitude. So I can see both sides of the coin and I agree with both perspectives. Therefore, when I criticize the supposed “American Dream,” please know that I am not saying this lightly and I am not saying that it is a reflection of my total dissatisfaction with the United States.

This topic recently came back into my mind when I was watching the movie Cosmopolis, starring a surprisingly competent Robert Pattinson as a billionaire mogul and financial analyst who rapidly loses his fortune through the course of a day due to faulty analysis and starts questioning his whole way of thinking. It’s a fantastic case study actually, despite being the least cinematic film imaginable and being very abrasive to start with. I recommend it to anyone with a lot of patience and a passion for the subject matter and/or old school Cronenberg. In this movie, Pattinson travels through New York City (in the not-so-distant future) by use of a stretch limousine with inconceivable amounts of luxuries. He picks up a few passengers, makes some stops, and finally gets to his destination, which is his family barber for a desperately desired haircut. During all of this, his billions are crumbling and there are many discussions in regards to the strengths and weaknesses of capitalism. On the outside, Pattinson’s mogul is cool and soulless – a chilling vessel, not even a man, but simply the personification of entitlement. However, crackling beneath it all, there exists the flame of self-loathing burning inside of him. You can interpret this movie in so many different ways but to me it really brought home the concept of the American Dream and the materialism involved in it. Though, it takes it a step further, which is finally where I will reach my point: it’s not even JUST that it’s materialistic; it’s that even when it’s achieved – or when you believe you have achieved it – it is very likely that you’ll find you’ve crawled through the desert towards a fresh spring that was never there in the first place.

The American Dream is our salvation, right? It’s what should motivate us! It’s why “all those foreigners want to become card-carrying members of this great nation” (a direct quote from a right wing reporter friend of mine). It’s what makes this country so great – the simple idea that, and I quote, “…life should be better and richer and fuller for every man, with opportunity for each according to his ability or achievement.” (James Truslow Adams) It’s the idea that even if you come from nothing and you work hard, then you will be prosperous in one way or another, because don’t misunderstand – it’s not simply FINANCIAL prosperity that this Dream offers. No, Adams further said, “It has been much more than that. It has been a dream of being able to grow to fullest development as man and woman, unhampered by the barriers which had slowly been erected in the older civilizations, unrepressed by social orders which had developed for the benefit of classes rather than for the simple human being of any and every class.” And this was written in the 1930s. Just mull that over for a second, you guys. UNREPRESSED BY SOCIAL ORDERS. I mean, at least he didn’t have the nerve to mention race in there but it’s heavily implied and as a black woman, I find that borderline comical. No, actually, just straight up comical. Yep, we’ll go with that.

See, the problem is this: the American Dream is no more than a very poetically worded distraction, a smoke screen – at least now, in the world that we are currently living in. In MLK Jr.’s “I Have a Dream” speech, he acknowledges the hopes of a better tomorrow and yet the severity of the times we are in. Granted, a lot has changed since then but there is still a lot of work to be done, both financially and socially. There have been significant strides towards equality, but not as much as many of us may think. Dr. King is an inspiration not just because of the seeds of hope and brotherhood (and sisterhood) he planted but because he knew we weren’t there, that the “American Dream” is something that we should all strive to create. Women still make less money than men. The war on women, in fact, still rages on. There is a serious disconnect between our country's "1%" and well, the rest of us. There are areas of the U.S. that have many of the conditions of third world countries. And race relations? Well, folks. I'm glad I'm not picking cotton or using black designated bathrooms but as a resident of DC and a neighbor to Baltimore, I can tell you that true racial enlightenment has not yet arrived.

The concept of the American Dream, more often than not, is used to promote flag-waving, blind patriotism (which is one of my biggest pet peeves and perhaps a post topic for another day), and the misconception that this country is something that it's not. It also breeds a sense of failure and class/race wars. Any person, theoretically, who works hard every day of their life - to the fullest of their potential - should succeed, regardless of where they come from or their lack of silver platter opportunities?

Granted, success means something different to just about everyone. To me, success is found in cultivating meaningful relationships and making a positive difference in the world. To someone else it's money and power. To another person it's creating a happy family unit. To many of us, it's all of that. The American Dream tells us that these are things we can all grasp - if we work for it. But what happens when we do what we're told and we never reach the proverbial pot of gold? What about those people who can't manage to crawl out of the slums that have been abandoned? What about our homeless citizens who don't know how to pull themselves out of their tragic life situation? What about the people that get lost in the judicial system and are tagged as unfortunate blots to the rest of our pristine society? Oh I guess they didn't work hard enough. And screw second chances! No dream for them. They only get cold, cruel reality.

And you know what? I think we all deserve better than that. Let's own what this country is, flaws and all. Let's admit that sometimes hard work pays off and sometimes it doesn't. Let's admit that some of us have obstacles that society has put in our way that can be insurmountable. Let's admit that some of us are born into a life of endless possibilities because of our race, financial status, the powerful friends we keep. Let's admit that there is no collective dream, that it's out of reach for so many of us. Let's admit it but not accept that it has to be this way forever. So much progress has been made and so much more can happen. I see it around me everyday. We are getting there - we are getting to that ideal. People want it - as a society, we crave that equality and the same opportunities as our more privileged counterparts.

Yesterday, there was a blog post in The New Yorker that basically said that the reason why people have been so appalled about the possibility that Beyonce may have lip-synced "The Star-Spangled Banner" is because, and I quote, "[The lyrics are] aspirational, they’re soaring, they represent a vision of American power that is mostly obsolete. It’s not the fiction of Beyoncé’s performance that angers us, but the fear that underneath the pomp and idealism our political leaders are con men, telling us a story about ourselves that may not be true."

It's time to wake up. Let's open our eyes to the truth but let's have heart that we can be better and we will be better. However - and I fully believe this with all my heart - real change won't happen if we're not willing to let go of old ideas and move on to new possibilities.

Food Lifestyle: My Personal Diet Wars

It was a bone chilling winter morning in the District today and while I had planned on going to the gym, my desire to stay in my warm bed until the last possible second won that war. But I figured hey! If I'm going to be a lazy bones, at least I can draft a blog post or something, right? And you're welcome, reader.

Today's blog post is about eating healthy. Now here's my problem: I really love food, you guys. To make it even clearer, I love food that is terrible for me. I mean, let's be honest here - this is not an original dilemma to have in this country. And the thing is for about six months out of the year, I'm like, "I work hard! Life is short! I'll eat whatever I want!" And then summer time approaches, and I remember that swimsuit season is rearing its ugly, judgmental head.

I panic. I look at all the extra padding I had developed over those six months. I think of all the cheesy mashed potatoes and gelato and wings and chili cheese fries that contributed to this padding and I curse the universe for creating so many cruel temptations. But then I decide, hey I can turn this around! And by golly I do it... and then, a terrible thing happened that I didn't expect. Suddenly it wasn't easy to lose weight anymore! Back in the day, I could spend a month at the gym and have a few salads and voila! Svelte and ready to show off my hot bod (well my non-flabby bod). But those days are gone. My mother (and society) warned me this would happen but I honestly didn't believe it.

Last year, however, was a rude awakening. Beach season was so cruel and I tried very hard for a couple months to shed off a few pounds but let me tell you - I failed completely. Eventually I gave up and took a very, "If I'm gonna have this weight then I might as well make it worth it!" attitude. I indulged in any and everything which in turn made me feel even grosser. I went up a pant size. Once a person genuinely thought I was pregnant - which is just comical for many reasons.

Finally, New Years came around and like everyone else in this country, I decided that something needs to change. Honestly, it's not even about swimsuit season (entirely); it's more about not feeling disgusting. So I recommitted myself to the gym (and yes, totally getting the irony of my skipping the gym to write this) and got a personal trainer who told me something very scary: I can't just go to the gym - I have to change my whole lifestyle?!?!

Well, reader. I am totally inept at cooking for one. I am busy with volunteer work, my job, attempting a social life, and now classes. I'm trying to maintain a fairly strict budget. How do I keep a healthy diet? To start, I refuse to keep cookies, chips, gelato, or frozen pizza in my home anymore. Giving up beer for a while. That's where it started. Emptied out my snack drawer at work, too! (I'll miss you, peanut M&Ms...)

But cooking at home? That's the problem. Cooking small sensible meals seems so elusive. How do people do it? I've mastered throwing chicken breasts in the oven and then putting the chunks in salad.... but what else is there?

And then this weekend, miraculously, I realized how many different things you can do with chicken! And quinoa! And lentils! Plus I found all these awesome recipes in Jamie's Food Revolution, which I must embarrassingly admit was purchased like a year ago mostly because I have a tiny (HUGE) crush on Jamie Oliver and only skimmed it once and threw it in the large pile of other cookbooks that are going completely to waste in my life. But this weekend I was compelled to look through it and hot damn, if there aren't some great ideas in there! And they're mostly easy, too, which is good because my patience and attention span are quite limited in the kitchen.

So look out! I'm gonna be a healthy food cooking dynamo! Life changes all over the place. But! I have decided that in order to not torture myself, I'm going to give myself one day a week to eat anything I want (as long as I don't cheat the rest of the time and keep up with the gym). We'll see how long this lasts? I am a textbook stress eater on top of everything else. So send me all kinds of positive energy, folks! I'm gonna need it. Lifestyle overhaul, y'all!

Will try to post recipes on here soon. Successful ones... or maybe also the hilarious failures? Stay tuned!

- N