About Me

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Washington, DC, United States
I don't write here nearly as much as I should, but when I do, I'll try to make it count for something.

Friday, December 28, 2012

What's In a Dream, You Ask?

So last night I had a dream and today I remember it vividly. It's weird for me to recall a dream this well after it has happened - usually it's just fragments, puzzle pieces that I need to put together. I woke up from this dream feeling... out of sorts and I'm not entirely sure why or what it means.

In this dream it was NYE and my friends Mel and Emily were having a party at their house (they actually have an apartment in real life but a row house in my dream).

Some of our mutual friends were there. Some strangers. There was an African man playing a Bobby Darin record. I brought my dog, Lee, with me to the party but he was being strangely well-behaved and quiet. My friend Chris keeps putting Lee in his backpack and carrying him around. There seems to be an endless amount of rooms to this house. I walk into one room and then into another and another and another. Suddenly I'm in a room alone except for the African man. He's singing "Dream Lover" with the voice of Bobby Darin and then stops abruptly. I get really cold and realize that it's because the door behind me is open, a draft is coming in. I walk out the door and I'm on the front stoop of the house where a few of my friends are smoking cigars and playing with a deck of cards. I decide that I have to bring Lee home. Chris is also on the stoop - he takes Lee out of his backpack and hands him to me. Lee is sleeping. I hail a cab and get in. I'm suddenly in a different city but it's unclear which one. The cab picks up another passenger - Robert Redford as Hubbell Gardiner. He smiles at me but it's unsettling. He says, “People living alone get used to loneliness.” The cab stops, I get out, it drives off and then I realize I've left Lee in there with Hubbell. I try calling the cab company from a phone booth but it's not working and I feel frustrated, heartbroken. It's late at night, I think, and the streets are empty. I turn around and Mel is standing there. We both start laughing and after we're done, she smiles and says, “Every bird that flies has the thread of the infinite in its claw.”

At that moment the cab returns... and I woke up.

I'm not quite sure why but this dream really shook me, sort filled me with this odd sense of dread. I know a dream is just a dream but... I think I need a dream analyst. Any takers?

Monday, December 24, 2012

Christmas Eve Reflection: Thank You

Christmas Eve day is upon us and it's a strange feeling being here in paradise after such a challenging year. Without getting into too many details (because most of my close friends know them already and this post is meant to be a happy one), my family has been through a bit of upheaval. We're currently in recovery mode, however, and I hope we come out of it a stronger unit than we were before... because when all is said and done, I love these people with all my heart, no matter how crazy they act sometimes.

By the way, please excuse any typos. I'm kind of doing this on the fly. I'm sitting on the beach, after a gorgeous sunrise (which I will post here because there is nothing like a California sunrise, even though the picture could never do it justice) and after having just read the most wonderful email from a dear friend. I am feeling overwhelmed and not ready to return to the house just yet.

I guess the point is this: there are always going to be challenges and tragedies and moments of serious self doubt. There is going to be times of uncertainty on a personal level and on the grand scale - like are we really where we want to be at this stage in our lives or like the current state of our society. People will leave this world, they will leave us here wondering what's the point or how could good and innocent people suffer so greatly. People we love will deal with crises that we can only help with in what feels like a very limited way (even if it actually makes a world of difference). Essentially, bad things will happen and the kicker is they will keep happening no matter what we do, and some of these things are horrifying and senseless and have no answer.... but life is a series of choices. We can choose to sink in the despair or accept that if we keep swimming we'll find solid ground eventually - with a little help from our friends.

I am a person who is prone to sadness. I don't want to use the word depression but the truth is I do have a depressive side and it has a lot to do with the fact that I draw my energy from the people around me and if the people around me are sad then I feel myself getting sucked into the darkness as well. And when that happens, i get filled with this sort anger at myself that i can't just control my feelings better. The thing that I've realized, though... the thing that it had taken me almost 20 years to understand... is that the people that matter will stick around anyway.

You see, I always assume that eventually people will leave, if I'm too sad, too angry, too emotional. And because of that, it's hard for me to trust anyone. And when you can't allow yourself to trust anyone, how can you seek help when you need it?

Anyway, I think this post is getting away from me a little bit and I don't want to make it seem like everything is a struggle all the time. I guess what I want to say is when the struggle gets really hard, there is no shame in accepting help from the people who love you (even if it's help in the form of happy hour or a Happy Endings marathon). I am incredibly lucky to have so many people in my life who care about me and add a level of fun and adventure I would not have otherwise. From my work friends, who are almost always up for happy hour or a rowdy viewing of Millionaire... to my VA guys (even though they don't all live in VA anymore) who allow me to indulge in my pretentious rants and always call me on my shit and allow me to call them out on theirs and also provide endless amounts of laughter... to my Clackers, who will never know how much their crazy, cocktail-swilling, loud, dancing, feisty antics have meant to me... to the Club Dumas, who bring music, literature, film, inspiration, and great food and wine into my life unlike anyone else can... to my Natachel Tron 1/2, who is always there, no matter what, no matter how much we've tried to push each other away, a true sister from another mister... to my NYC pals who always provide me with so many adventures in the Empire State and with a roof over my head... to new friendships that I hope will continue to blossom over the new year and old ones that have drifted away a little but still have a permanent place in my heart. All of these people - all of you out there - from the bottom of my heart, please know that you save my life every single day just by being in it.

I really do feel like the richest gal in town and I think this is probably the perfect time of year to be overly sentimental and to just say exactly what you want to say - and that is I love you all. My family means the world to me but boy is it nice to have a second one available when I need them! I wish everyone was so lucky.

So thanks for being there! Merry Christmas to you all, and I wish you the best, luckiest, most fabulous new year imaginable!