Get Behind Me: The Year I Stop Getting In My Own Way

Now that a few days have passed and I have had more time to reflect on what I want to accomplish this year, I have come to this belief: New Year’s resolutions are for the birds.

Here’s the thing, any way you slice it, you’re probably just setting yourself up for failure and disappointment. And why would I want to do that? While at the same time, I feel like the idea of a fresh start or perspective is the best way to improve one’s life… so here I am, wanting to move forward and kick my life up a notch, but not wanting to set myself up for disaster. And this is not to say that having goals is a bad thing, but I feel that whole “New Year’s haze” makes us reach for big things but then stamp an expiration date like, “Uh oh if I don’t make this happen by December 31^st, then the last 365 days of my life have been a WASTE!” With each passing day, there’s the tick tick tick of impending doom. And KAPOW!!! AN EXPLOSION OF NONSUCCESS!!!

But maybe I’m being dramatic. And actually I like having goals, I just don’t like giving myself more pressure and deadlines than I already have in my everyday life. So instead of making the type of resolution where I “change” something about myself – lose X amount of pounds, make X amount more money, etc, etc – I think instead, maybe I’ll add something that I do not currently have or do. Like… go to at least one foreign country or city that I’ve never been to. Or read more books outside of my comfort zone. Or… I don’t know, something.

That being said, I’m feeling good about this year so far. Right now, what I’m all about, is reconnecting with old friends that have fallen to the wayside (completely due to my own negligence, for the most part). There are people in my life that mean a lot to me and who probably don’t feel like they do because I’ve been such a non-presence in their lives. I commit to so many things, because there is so much I want to do, and I always think I’m super woman and I can do it all – but then all I do is end up making people lose faith in my ability to just *be there* and also exhausting myself to the point of sickness. So I want to do better by my friends, and also learn my own limitations a little better. We’ll see how that goes, because let’s face it, it’s me, and I don’t know how to not push myself. But this goes back to the whole “not giving myself more pressure and deadlines” than I already have. As lovely as my job is, it’s very stressful at times, and I don’t want that stress to spill over into my personal time. Spending times with the people in my life shouldn’t be a burden; it should be a shining light, a cause for joy and merriment! So here’s hoping…

Though, speaking of my job, I am currently feeling like I need new challenges. I love the work that I do, don’t get me wrong, and I can’t imagine working anywhere else, but lately I’ve been feeling like I need a little something else. I’m not sure what that “something else” is but two internal job openings have surfaced and I am applying for both. One job (this one is the long shot, folks) is a managerial position in Research and it would require me to travel a lot – which is the biggest draw for me, honestly – and I would be overseeing the entire research team out of our office. It’s big, and daunting, and scary, and really exciting, and I honestly don’t know if I would be more freaked out or honored if I actually got the job. However, I don’t know if I quite have the experience yet in Research that they want, but hey, you’ll never get anything if you don’t put yourself out there, right? The other position is for an Associate Researcher, the same position that I currently have, but for Arts & Music. As much as I have enjoyed the excitement and the hustle and bustle of the Politics & Crime beat (and will continue to enjoy it, if neither of the aforementioned positions pan out), it would be nice to cover something different – and I feel like Arts & Music would be right up my alley! Plus I’d get all kinds of free tickets to shows and gallery openings in the area and for a gal like me, that’s one hell of a perk! I also think that the fact that I am already an AR and I have personally worked with NPR Music as a PA, should make me a shoe-in, right? I’m trying really hard not to want this too badly, but the more I think about it, the stronger the pull becomes. OK, change of subject?

Oh, one last job-related topic before switching topic: I just found out, that either way (whether I get the above jobs or not), I’ve been chosen to attend USTA’s annual International Pow Wow event as a research liaison as I attended last year (as an assistant) and I’m already familiar with how it all works. And it’s in San Francisco. And I’m REALLY jazzed about it – it’s a ten day trip in May, with only two real days of work. NPR, thou art grand.

Anyway, enough bragging, and onto bigger and better talking points, such as…

This year, one of my best friends is having a baby. Another close friend will be getting married – a wedding for which I will be the maid of honor. Everything seems so full and optimistic that there’s always that nagging bit in the back of my mind that keeps telling me “the universe has to balance out all this joy somehow, watch out….” I am not, as you may have gathered, a natural idealist and always feel the need to mentally prepare myself for catastrophe. Neurotic though that may be, this outlook has often kept me from falling into deep depression when faced with great adversity. But sometimes I need to just relax and allow myself to be happy that things are going well, and that I’m surrounded by so much love.

Goodness! These last couple of posts have been (for the most part) so uplifting, I feel like when I finally discuss something of a darker nature, people – um, if anyone is actually reading this? – will think that I’m bipolar or something. Hmmmm…. Perhaps my next topic will be about hate-mongering.

(Though, on one serious note, I am still very very upset about the new proposed change to Huckleberry Finn. I haven’t been able to get it out of my mind for days now. Sometimes the power of ignorance truly astounds me.)

Aaaaaand now I think I’ll go back to working while enjoying the musical stylings of Isobel Campbell & Mark Lanegan because I’m kind of in the mood for something dark and seductive and soul-chilling. I need something to even out all this lighthearted business.

With love,

Tash